Regrets
by pdshalstud
Summary: There's a lot Jay wishes he could take back or change but there's one thing he knows, moving forward he won't regret. AU One Shot.


**A/N: HUGE Thank you to queserone and halsteadpd for EVERYTHING….There is one flashback, which is written in italics. I hope you all enjoy my little one shot and if you do please review.**

 **XXXXXX**

It's instant. The moment he pulls the pictures from the drawer, he feels the tears welling in his eyes and his heart clenches. The dam breaks when he gets to the last few. He sees the day he graduated from the academy; his chest hurts as his breathing escalates. His vision becomes blurred, but he still analyzes the photo of him shaking the hand of his superior so many years ago.

XXXXXX

 _He figured that Will would be more likely to come watch him get his star but he wasn't surprised when his brother declined and told him he was too busy with school. It took him two weeks to build up the courage to go to his dad and extend an invitation to him. His blue eyes bored into Jay's as they sat across from each other in the family room. There was a baseball game playing on the TV that had the older Halstead's attention._

" _Hey Pop, I uh, I'm graduating in a month."_

" _Hm." Pat huffs._

" _I was thinking maybe you'd like to-"_

" _You're not really going to ask me to go to that are you?" Pat interrupts. Jay looks at him dumbfounded. He shouldn't have listened to Will when he suggested asking their dad. Should have known something like this would happen. His anger bubbles as he slowly stands from the couch._

" _That would be a crazy idea, wouldn't it!" Jay yells as he walks towards the door._

" _Yeah, but the whole thing is crazy and stupid. You shouldn't have even gone to become a cop when you could have been working since you graduated high school."_

" _Why, so I could end up like you? Yeah, no thanks."_

" _Count me out."_

" _Gladly." Jay spits as he makes his way towards the door._

XXXXXX

There was a point where he and his dad had an ok relationship, but at some point it switched and they stopped clicking. He's not sure where he went wrong but he regrets it. There was always a part of him that hoped that he would be able to turn things around up until that day. That day taught him to keep his distance and for the most part he did. And now he regrets it; he wishes he could have tried harder to be there with him, have better memories with him. But his biggest regret is the last words he spoke to his dad. And now as he stands with the colorful, glossy piece of paper held against the spot on his chest where the bullet hit his Kevlar vest, his heart sinks knowing that he was there but he also feels a bit of anger. He's angry at his dad for making it seem as if he was embarrassed. And he's mad at himself for not trying harder to be closer with him.

He and Will both take their time going through their father's apartment and boxing up his belongings. They don't say anything to each other when they grab the last of the boxes and make their way to the hall. Jay sees the tears in his brother's eyes as he closes the door.

"Hey Jay."

"Yeah." Jay replies.

"I know I haven't been the best brother, but if you need someone to talk to-"

"Thanks Will." Jay interrupts before he climbs into his car with a nod, and Will nods his head and tosses his keys up a little before turns in the direction of his car.

XXXXXX

He stands off to the side, leant up against some white, rusty metal.

"Friends, let us raise a glass to dear Patrick Halstead, may you be in heaven an hour before the devil knows you're dead. Sláinte."

"Sláinte." The crowd echoes. Jay holds his green bottle up in the air for a little longer then necessary as he all but whispered "Sláinte" before taking a long pull of his beer. His eyes drift from his father's picture and fixate on a spot on the ground near the kegs of beer. Friends of the family walk up here and there to give him their sincerest condolences. He stays propped up against his post; he nods his head and mutters some form of thank you before they walk off. He appreciates the space he's given, but he can still feel their eyes on him; he ignores the feeling as he tugs at the tie around his neck before taking another swig.

"You ok?" Will asks quietly as he walks up with two blue plastic cups in his hand.

"Yeah man." He answers quietly, giving him a quick nod. Will nods back before walking away. Jay pulls at his tie more until the knot is hanging low on his white dress shirt. He finishes his beer before throwing the bottle in the recycling bin and going to grab another one. With his back turned to the direction he was just facing, he feels someone's eyes on him again, but this time it feels different, yet familiar. He walks back to his previous spot, bringing the green glass up to his lips briefly. When he brings the bottle back down he sees her, her hazel orbs pulling him in like they always had.

He rubs his eyes thinking that maybe his mind is playing tricks on him, not believing that his girlfriend is standing twenty feet in front of him. He takes a deep breath and when he opens his eyes, he still sees her. She gives him a sad smile and takes cautious steps towards him, he does the same—they meet each other halfway. Erin's hand comes up to cup his cheek, and he melts into her touch. Her fingers slide back to the nape of his neck and as he cautiously moves his head down to rest on her shoulder, his nose brushes against the black material of her long sleeve dress. She places a gentle, chaste kiss to his jaw.

"I'm so sorry." Erin whispers into his ear.

"How'd you know?" He asks when he pulls back slightly, his arms still wrapped around her waist, and hers draped around his neck.

"Hailey called me." She answers, and he nods, telling himself to thank her when he sees her next.

"Do you want to get out of here?"

"Are you sure you want to leave alr-?" She begins to question.

"Yes." He says, taking her hand, pulling her towards his truck and handing her his keys.

Without even asking, she drives to his apartment. Her hand rests on his thigh on the silent ride.

XXXXXX

Once inside his apartment, he takes his tie off completely, throwing it in the direction of the hamper in his room before going to the kitchen and grabbing 2 bottles of beer from the fridge. He thought she was following him, but when he turns around he sees that she's still in the living room taking in the boxes lined up against the walls. She picks up one of the pictures on his coffee table as he walks up behind her and hands her a beer. He looks over her shoulder before taking a swig of his own beer.

"Who-?" She begins.

"He was there." He answers as she turns around so they're face to face. Her eyes search him as he continues to stare at the picture that he's looked at so many times since coming across it in his father's drawer. "I asked him to come and he cut me off. Made it seem like he was ashamed or embarrassed of me. Even though we never clicked, I still hated him for not wanting to be there. I held it against him and now that he's gone I regret it." He admits as a tear slides down his cheek.

She reaches up and swipes her thumb across the stubble of his jaw. "It's understandable to have regrets Jay. And even though he may not have said it, or showed it in the best way—or at all—your dad was proud of you and he loved you. Those pictures and that article proved that." He nods for what feels like the millionth time that night, but she can tell he's skepital of her words. "I know you don't believe me, but it's true." She adds.

"I never even talked to you about him, at least not a lot."

"So you can tell me about him now, if you'd like." She suggests as she looks down the table, skimming the photos until she finds one of a little Jay missing his front teeth, wearing a Cubs hat that was too big and holding a baseball in his hand. Jay's sitting in his dad's lap on one of the blue seats at Wrigley field, and they both have huge smiles on their faces as they look at the camera. "Tell me about this day."

He smiles sadly at the picture. "That was the first Cubs game he took me to. I don't remember what player it was, but they hit a foul ball. My dad lifted me up in the air and I caught it. I was so excited and we sat back down and he said 'way to go JJ' and put his hat on my head. My mom said she had to take a picture—it was one of the best memories I have with my dad." He takes another long pull of his beer, gently taking the pictures from her hand and placing them and the bottle down on the table. As he turns his head, another lone tear slides down his cheek, but this time he's quick to wipe it away himself.

"Jay-"

"I'm going to take a shower."

"Ok." She says, taking a step back. He turns away and walks to the bathroom. He closes the door quietly as he turns the water on and starts to undress. Erin sits down on the couch and drinks her beer, picking up the picture Jay just told her about.

The water starts to turn cold, but he continues to let it wash over him, his tears still mixing in with the water. He faintly registers the door creaking open and Erin's soft voice echoing through the walls of the bathroom. It's not long before he feels her arms wrap around him. Something about the act has him breaking down for a few short moments. She kisses between his shoulder blades when his body stops shaking and gently guides him out of the bath tub, turning the water off as they move.

XXXXXX

He's trailing his finger up and down her back, going over her wet bra as they lay in his bed. Neither of them say anything for a while; they just bask in each other's presence. But he can tell when the wheels start turning in her head; he chuckles softly at the fact that he can still read her. They've been doing this long distance relationship for a while, but it's not the same.

"What are you thinking about?" He asks.

She stops tracing patterns on his abs. "Who says I'm thinking about anything?"

"Nice try, spit it out." He demands and she sits up; he immediately misses her warmth.

She ponders for a minute before looking at the boxes around the room. "What's with all the boxes?"

"Some of them are my dad's things that I'm not sure what to do with yet."

"And what about the rest of them?"

"They're mine." He answers and she looks back at him.

"Yeah? You going somewhere?"

"Maybe."

"Where?"

"I was thinking about moving to New York."

"It looks like you're past just _thinking_ about it."

"Yeah, I might have already gotten an apartment."

"Are you sure you want to leave Chicago?" She asks.

"If it means being with you, then yes."

"Jay-"

"You're not going to change my mind."

"I'm not trying to. I just don't want you to regret it."

"Trust me Erin, there's a lot I regret. The type of relationship I had with my dad. The way I handled things when I came back home. Not letting you in when I should have." He pulls her closer to him. "I regret not being there for you before you left, and I regret not going after you when I found out you moved away." He admits as he leans forward to kiss her. "I'll always have those regrets, but I love you and I don't want to regret not being with you and seeing you every day." He finishes, and this time she nods as she leans in to kiss him again before she lies back down so they're in their previous position.

"Hey, by the way." She says tilting her head up to look at him and she waits for his eyes to slowly open. "I love you too." She adds and he smiles and kisses her briefly before they both go to sleep.


End file.
